As it closes in on the one year anniversary of my husband’s Carl passing I look back to see if I have learned anything I can share with someone else is just starting the process of losing someone they love. I suppose the first and most important thing at least for me is and was that there is no right or wrong way to grief and that during the five stages that you hit in that year you stay in each stage at your own pace. I think the stage I was at several different times was being mad not at Carl but at the mess he left my life in or the flux in which every day was a new adventure that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in. (The adventure not life) There are days I expect Carl to walk in the door and when he doesn’t it hurts when I realize that he is really not coming back. I guess that second hardest thing about Carl leaving me was on the day he did it. He died on the original Memorial Day which is also my brother Mark’s birthday so that makes it very hard also. I suppose those are my two pet peeves for the year and the fact that no matter what the missing and loneliness hasn’t gone away of course that takes longer sometimes and no there is no set time on any stage of grief it just happens when your ready for that stage I guess that is what has happened to me.
They tell you in that first year don’t make any major decisions about anything and yet they want to know right away about what you want done has far as the services go. It was so hard to even think I was numb I knew I was going to lose him the problem was when. I don’t care how prepared you think you are your never prepared. Carl had been sick for years and when they finally told us what he had we were shocked of course but relived to know finally. We told ourselves that we could do anything as long as we had each other. But when it got down to days, hours, minutes and seconds it is a whole lot harder to cope. We had a great staff of hospice workers who came here to the house to help us out and the last day and a half the nurse Kelly was here most of the day and didn’t leave until 7PM after another nurse came to replace her. I count my lucky starts that Carl had decided to go that way because it sure made things much better for the whole family but especially him. Kelly kept him comfort so he wouldn’t be in a lot of pain. She was our angel and the staff did everything to help make his last days better.
He has been gone a year on Thursday the 30 of May and at times it still feels like yesterday but I know in my heart that he is in a better place where God is talking all kinds of things with him and he is enjoying himself. He has no pain and he knows that all is good with me. Yes I still cry sometimes I would be lying if I told you that everything is great in my world. But at this moment at 0345 on a Wednesday morning I can say with all honest it is and that I’m happy. My daughter Misty and I are moving out of my brother house it has taken us a year to do this because I wanted to make sure it was the right thing for both of us and I wanted Mark to know that I wasn’t leaving him high and dry. My sister in law Dawn’s parents are moving in to help Mark and Dawn to keep up with the bills and things. So Carl would be proud of what I’m doing even if I’m doing with Misty. LOL I am back taking pictures which I’m enjoying. I’m going to a family reunion in October which I’m really looking forward to. I have a friend who is a psychologist who tells me all the things I feel are normal for the first year. I’m going to try and celebrate Carl’s life and our life together on Thursday but I’m also going to know in my heart that he is happy where he is too and I’ll just have to let my head catch up on those feelings too. Grief in a years’ time isn’t so bad if you try to remember all the good times you had together as a family, individually and as friends then it will be a better day for all concerned.